she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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