i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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