Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
