Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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