I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
