69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
