I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
