I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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