My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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