We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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