If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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