If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
