After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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