Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
