My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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