I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
