What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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