Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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