Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Randomize
