I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
