"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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