Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i out mim tonsoeep
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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