apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
