tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
