I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
