Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
