she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
