hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
