When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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