fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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