Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
