remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
