Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
