I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
