Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
