I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
