i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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