guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I skipped work to stalk him.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
