Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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