3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize