I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
