you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
