My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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