this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
