Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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