sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
