this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
