I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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