I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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