I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
