Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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